From Abused to Zen – Daddy Number Six

Without knowing what it was, I manifested something huge and didn’t realize that I created it.

Growing up without a role model gave me zero life skills on how to adult. My mother married five men and moved us twenty-six times before I started sixth grade. Her first four husbands were violent, abusive alcoholics.

May 21st, the end of my fifth-grade year, was the last day of violence or abuse in my childhood. It was the day my mother shot daddy number four, paralyzing him from the waist down. On the floor bleeding, he promised that he would find us and kill us.

As we all know, you can take the kid out of abuse, but you can’t take the abuse out of the kid.

As a not-well-functioning adult, my life was so miserable that I always fantasized about a knight in shining armor riding in on his stallion and whisking me away to Never-Never Land. I was drinking heavily, changing jobs and addresses frequently, promiscuous, smoking pot and cigarettes, and, when available, doing crank and cocaine. I didn’t care if I lived or died.

Running away from an abusive boyfriend to catch a flight to Boston, my life would change forever. I was finally able to relax now that I was inside the plane and knew he couldn’t get to me. I felt comfort in knowing I would be better able to deal with him upon my return.

I was looking out my window as we waited for the latecomers to board. After the last one was on, they closed the aircraft doors. As I turned my head, I saw him. It felt like someone threw a thirty-pound medicine ball into my stomach. I gasped loudly and felt like I couldn’t breathe. At that moment, I knew this man was going to be my husband.

Since he had no idea his future wife was on the airplane, I had to move fast. I asked the flight attendants if I could change my seat as I was stuck next to two large sleeping people. They said the flight was completely full. About ten minutes into the flight, I pointed out the seat directly across the aisle from him was vacant. They were so confused as they checked their paperwork and nodded their heads; it was as if they lost someone. I eagerly took the seat. He was asleep, so I punched him where the cart could have bumped him when the beverage cart went by.

Two and a half years after that flight, he flew to Las Vegas from Ohio for our wedding; then he brought me to my new home in Ohio. It didn’t take me long to realize, wherever you go, there you are. Here I was still a very messed up woman, but now I was with my sixth father, thousands of miles away from anyone who knew me.

Growing up with physical abuse, you can see it, feel it, taste it and touch it. Emotional abuse was a whole different ballgame. I wasn’t allowed to work since men would want to sleep with me, and apparently, I wouldn’t have the ability to say no; this was how his mind worked. He threatened divorce any time I wasn’t behaving. I feared he would throw me out with nothing but the clothes on my back. I was held captive in my new, lonely life.

Crying myself to sleep every night became routine. At the end of my rope, rather than loading a gun as my mother did, I went to a bookstore – something I’d never done before.

They had a self-help section. I never imagined a bookstore would have an area dedicated to people like me. I found two books. Now, rather than crying myself to sleep, I started reading.

I was not the same woman when I finished reading the books. I felt overcome by a sense of strength and power. I felt as if I had a choice in how my life should unfold. I made a promise to myself at that moment: the next time he threatened me with divorce, I would leave.

Within six weeks, the words came out of his mouth. This time was very different. I felt a sense of peace wash over me when he spoke. It was as if a thousand pounds lifted off of my shoulders. I went to bed that night and slept better than I’d slept for the past five years. The next morning when he was off to work, I left.

I found myself voluntarily embracing what I had feared the most in the marriage: could I make it on my own? I was taking a massive leap into the unknown, not having any idea if my parachute would open or not; I just felt somewhere within me this was what I had to do. I had to trust that by following my gut, it would take me to a better place.

Leaving him was the beginning of my unbelievable journey. Since then, I have intentionally manifested many miracles and fearlessly jumped off many more cliffs. Every time it takes me to a much better place. I learned that following my gut, that little voice inside me that doesn’t always make sense, is the only way to go.

Once I started my spiritual journey over the last decade, I realized I manifested this man who indeed was my knight in shining armor. It was because of him I found the strength to claw my way out and to keep clawing. Thanks to him, I met the best counselor who helped me move beyond my inner child issues; within six months, I became the sole driver of my bus.

Back then, getting the stomach-punch on the airplane was what it took for me to pay attention to the universe at work. Now, I simply go within. Just like you, my answers are always right there.

Cari Palmer

If I hadn’t lived the many phases of my life, I wouldn’t believe it could all happen in one lifetime. All I imagined after giving up my victim card was being a writer/speaker for Hay House. I was the queen of self-help and I was ready to change lives. Fast forward a decade or two and now, after re-membering who we are and why we are here, self-help was a lifetime ago.

Following my guidance has brought me to a place I couldn’t ever imagine! I have mastered living in the present moment. I have become a Zen-like creature. Once you feel this good in every moment, you can never go back. When you realize we create our own reality, why would we make any part of this thing we call life miserable?

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