Grief Changes Who you Are

There is no doubt that losing a loved one is the hardest thing that those left behind have to deal with. Our families and friends play such a vital role in our lives and their relationships with us, shape and mould who we are. The love and kindness we receive from them, uplifts our spirits, enhances our mood and essentially contributes to our self-worth in a positive way. In fact, every experience we have with them, creates a little piece of us that is different from the day before. Yes, there are some challenging experiences who sometimes make us become someone who we don’t want to be. And recognizing that, makes it possible for us to change that within ourselves. If it was not for them, we would not go through that experience and so essentially never recognize the things about ourselves that we don’t like, and never get the opportunity to develop and change those things about ourselves.

And so when someone we love passes back into spirit, there is no doubt that they leave a gap that cannot be filled. Sometimes the intensity of their grief can leave us feeling physically ill, pain in our physical hearts and send us into bouts of depression and anger. Of course, through time, we learn to work through all the emotions that we experience at their loss, but there is no doubt that on the other side, we are changed yet again. And our lives as we knew them, will never be exactly the same again, because they are no longer with us in the physical.

With the passing of loved ones, dreams and plans for the future change. There may have been plans for the two of you to grow old together, to move to another country, to travel the world and now suddenly you find them not there. That’s where you find yourself feeling mixed emotions, sorrow at the loss of the loved one and sorrow at the loss of what you saw your life becoming. There could also be anger attached to emotions, which once again, changes who you are. In this instance, it may just be temporary, but sometimes, that anger can remain with you for a very long time.

What I have found when consulting with clients who have lost loved ones, when anger, hurt and disappointment is experienced really intensely, and they find it difficult to work through themselves, there is always a sense of no longer belonging. I know from my own experience, when my partner of 44 years passed on in 2016, myself and my little family took some time to settle into our new roles within our family. There was definitely a time where we all didn’t quite know where we fit in. But with love and understanding we were able to work it out and the strength of the bond that we all had with Ken, held us all together and we certainly have come out on the other end, changed people, but very much for the better.

It saddens me deeply when those who have been left behind, feel completely torn from their families. It is a natural reaction for us to misinterpret our feelings of loss and all the emotions that come with deep grief and so I have found that family members, instead of embracing each other and working together to work through the grief, get caught up in very out of character infighting and arguing over the wishes and possessions of the person who has passed.

Please know that there are professional people who have specific training in assisting people through their grief. It is strongly advised that anyone who has lost a loved one, seeks out the help of a professional grief counsellor to help everyone who has been affected, to understand their feelings, so that they don’t find themselves, alienating the very people that they love and chose to be in this lifetime with.