Taking Things Personally

Good Morning my beautiful Soul Tribe

Life isn’t as serious as the mind makes it out to be.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Taking Things Personally…

You’re feeling hurt, deceived, broken…..

Again…..

This time, it was the careless remark a co-worker made about how you look today. Maybe they meant it as a compliment but you received it as an insult. At first you laughed it off and pretended it didn’t hurt.

But you can’t get what they said out of your head and now it’s beginning to influence your decisions about what you wear. You feel powerless, even foolish for letting a seemingly innocuous remark control your life.

Here’s the truth…

So many of us are living a secret life of agony. Think about how we let the many things other people say control all aspects of our lives. They control not only how we dress, but how we think about ourselves in relation to the world. We do all we can to conform and avoid the pain. We drive the right kind of car, have the right kinds of jobs and date the right kinds of people.

The problem? Many of the things we do to conform are not aligned with who we really are. This misalignment is infinitely more painful than any perceived insult, but we have a hard time recognizing the true source of the pain.

All this pain can be minimized or even eliminated if we learn to not take what others say so personally.

– The identity trap

So, why are we so prone to taking things personally?

Having low self-esteem or self-confidence definitely play a role but I don’t think it’s the essence of the problem as many others may suggest.

The main reason why we struggle to not take things personally is because we see ourselves as fundamentally separate from other people.

You see, we learn from a young age that identity is everything and that one must define, develop, and protect one’s identity. We learn to hang out with other identities similar to our own for mutual support and protection. The assumed identity gives us a sense of meaning and purpose.

As soon as this identity is threatened, we go into hyper protective mode. What if these treasured identities were no more than figments of our imagination?

There’s nothing to defend

We tend to believe that our social norms were given to us from the higher realm. Many of the identities we create for ourselves are often influenced by our environment, schooling, perception, experience, upbringing, etc.

For example, as a person of “colour” living in South Africa, the identity “black/coloured/indian/white person” has taken on greater personal significance than if we were living in our own separate native tribes isolated from each other.

In truth, we see “persons of colour” as only part of who we are. However, in a more racially charged environment, it would be easy for us to make our identity all about being a black/coloured/indian/white person. Eventually, in this environment, we will suddenly begin to see every remark and every encounter through this lens.

If someone says something to me that threatens this identity, I can become easily upset and lose my sense of peace. I will quickly erect walls around me to protect and separate myself from others, especially people who look different from me.

However, if I lose that precious identity, I begin to realize that there’s nothing to defend. Being black/coloured/indian/white is a miniscule part of the infinite reality that I am, created in the image and likeness of God. Yes, I am aware that racism is real and even feel subjected to it from time to time, but I rarely take seemingly racist remarks personally. Being a black/coloured/indian/white person in South Africa may have real consequences, but it’s not the full reality of who I am.

What identity(s) do you need to let go in order to be more at peace with yourself?

Are you,

The brilliant college professor?

The soccer mom?

The athlete?

The smart aleck?

The jokester?

The moneymaker?

The homemaker?

The tortured soul?

What if instead of putting all your stock in one of these identities, you see pieces of yourself in all of them? If you were to awake to the reality of who you really are, do you think you’d ever take anything personally? I doubt it.

And who are you?

You are one created in the image and likeness of God. And like God, you are all and in all.

God doesn’t take things personally. Why should you?

Taking things personally has everything to do with the desire of our wounded self to have control over others.

Helplessness over others is one of the hardest feelings we have. Many people would rather feel almost anything else – even shame – rather than feel helpless over others.

When you take things personally and tell yourself that the other person’s behaviour is your fault, this gives you the illusion of control. If it’s your fault, then you can do something about it. If only you say or do the right thing, then the person won’t be mean to you, or won’t reject you, or won’t try to control you. The false belief is that saying or doing the perfect thing takes away the feeling of helplessness – the goal of the wounded self. Even if intellectually you know that you can’t control the other person, what you are doing by taking their behaviour personally is avoiding your own feeling of helplessness over them.

So, taking things personally is a form of control, not only over the other person, but over your own painful feelings. It’s a way to avoid your pain, even though it brings a different pain.

Work towards not taking things personally…..

You need to fully accept that you can’t control others. You need to accept that others may be mean, rejecting and controlling, no matter how wonderful or perfect you are.

You need to learn to lovingly accept and manage the core painful feeling of helplessness over others. You need to learn to move toward the feeling rather than away from it. You need to bring the love, compassion and comfort of Spirit to this very difficult feeling, staying present with it until it is ready to move through you.

You need to learn to define your own worth through your connection with your spirit, so that when others are hurtful, you no longer believe that their behaviour has anything to do with you, no matter how much they may blame you for it.

As you practice Inner Bonding and learn to define your intrinsic worth, you no longer make others’ approval responsible for your sense of worth and safety. As you learn to lovingly manage your own painful feelings, you no longer need to control others in an effort to get them to change as a way to avoid your pain.

Everything changes for you when you learn to deeply value yourself. When you value yourself, it doesn’t occur to you to take others’ behaviour personally.

Others’ unloving behaviour hurts our heart, but when we learn to lovingly manage our loneliness, heartbreak, grief and helplessness over others, we stop taking others’ behaviour personally, and we can manage the hurt without trying to control others by being perfect or saying the right thing.

I want to leave you with this…… allow it to touch the deepest parts of your being – to help you awaken to the truth – that you do deserve to live a geat life, whatever that means for you !!

“For too long you have allowed the past to affect you!

For too long you have taken personally what others say about you!

For too long you have stood on the sidelines watching others thrive!

For too many nights you have gone to bed worrying about what may be.

For too long you have held a fear in your heart.

For too long you have settled for second best!!

Now is the time to awaken!

Now is the time to shine!

Now is the time to accept that you are Divine!! ”

Love, light and abundant blessings always

SoulAngel Carol

xxx