Respect

Respect, not a big word, not at all. But a Big Thing, especially if you have no idea what it means because people have, from childhood chipped away at something that was your Birthright; parents, school, friends, church, abusive partners, governments…

Until one day, you say no!, to be factual, you felt the no! long before you were even remotely able to say it, and that was the very first remembrance of respect you have tasted in a very long time! This is what happened to me, once I woke up with a broken heart and a terrible jolt of oh my word I’m old, and I don’t even know what respect feels like. Having been married to a black-belt in self-centeredness I just took my end of the bargain as it was, because sadly my dear Mother did the same, and I so suspect that her mother did too, all the way back to Eve! This powerful realization lead me to break free; re-build, re-brand and re-love and most of all re-spect myself. This has become my life mission through the work I do as well as the online and personal workshops and counselling and coaching in do in all three my businesses, Thinkology- where I assist people in re-training the mind, and the thought patterns that need some astute evaluation. In adult conversations I guide people to the self-worth and self-love and respect-full relationships they so deeply desire and deserve, and in BrandMachine, I do the same for small to medium sized businesses to re-brand and grow their client base through excellent customer service skills, and concrete branding that works…

In my endless curiosity, when writing this article, I naturally went to the ultra powerful www, where Google kindly offers me a list of mere 10 songs related to respect, and 52 on love, now you see therein lies the problem, we need respect in order to love well, to love right, to love healthily…

So how does one learn, teach or get educated about respect? How to get some, give some and have some sounds so obvious, so easy so natural…

Having been in private practice for 27 years, I have seen, and often felt the real struggle of people, and this made me desperate to find a cure, affix a roadmap – a step by step plan to get to respect.

I guess the old adage of you have to admit there is a problem before you can fix it would be a healthy first step along the way…and here’s the kicker, most people I talk to reminded me of how used to disrespect we are, by asking me, “ but how do I know that I’m being abused?” This breaks my heart!

Ok, so here are the basics of the basics:

When words and actions don’t match, promises not kept, actions not taken, invalidation is a sneaky, subtle move, but abuse non-the less
Naturally any, and all physical and verbal aggression, (even if he/she says I’m only kidding) as well as sarcasm, and passive aggressive communication
Any threat to physical, or emotional safety is abuse
Watch out for adoration, and possessiveness, even jealousy, that is a hidden isolation technique
Takes responsibility for nothing, blames everything on you or others, and yes, some do apologize, thing is, they say sorry but as soon as you relax, they do it again! S don’t let big apologies mislead you either
Gets very peeved if you try to establish boundaries of any kind
When your initial trust is turned into suspicion
When you feel anxious, are constantly overthinking, and analyzing your own behavior you may be abused
Damage to your property is a form of intimidation, and an attempt to control
Threats of self-harm and suicide is abuse
Demeaning comments and anything that chips away at your sense of self-worth, such as you are stupid, fat, ugly, etc.
Constant lies and cover-ups, yep, you guessed it, abuse
Any addiction, be it work, sex, religion, takes you out of the bounds of a healthy relationship, so don’t fool yourself, this will escalate, and no he/she is not the exception, all addictions escalate and expand… (yes, I know people can recover, but poor impulse control has dangerous implications too)
When your partner is so self-focused that you play second fiddle all the time…that’s abuse, a relationship is supposed to meet both of your needs (how often do you settle – for the sake of peace – and then walk away with a sense of injustice having been done?)

You should by now get my drift, or at least the feeling in your bones if you are or have been exposed to abuse…so let’s move on to the steps to learn the fickle skill of respecting your precious self….

Let’s be clear, respect starts within you. Firstly respect happens when you create a respectful environment in and around all that you think say and do, as well as don’t say, don’t think and don’t do.

1. listen attentively to your needs, desires, and concerns, then others will eventually be able to do the same, and then act sensibly on what you discover.
2. Be straightforward with your requests, let yourself be guided by your significant other by responding to what your partner asks for, and acting on those requests in a timely fashion. Leave no room for procrastination; really show up. This does not mean you are a martyr, this means you know how to reciprocate, that also means you deserve reciprocation. If this is one sided this is not respect.
3. Speak words of acknowledgment, appreciation, and gratitude not only for what you do, but who you are.
4. Don’t compare, observe – avoid judgement, also self judgement.
5. Never share a secret that someone shared with you – it’s a violation of trust, and instantly destroys respect too.
6. Speak directly to your partner rather than sharing your complaints with others.
7. If you treat yourself with contempt, the enemy of respect, replace that with appreciation of self and others.
8. Delete any impatient and irritable tone from your communication, first with self and then others.
9. Notice your self talk, this is where you will catch yourself being less than loving and respectful to yourself.
10. When you make an unskillful choice, really forgive yourself as soon as possible.
11. Learn from your mistakes without harsh self-criticism, or guilt.

It took me a good two years to acquire the mental habits of self love and respect, so all I can say is don’t give up on you, you are worthy of love and respect, and no, no one can give you this if you are unable to provide it for yourself….work at it, it works…and it opens up a beautiful life filled with joy, peace, assertiveness, boundaries, and no drama, yummy!

Frida

Frida Willis is a Licensed Psychotherapist and Registered Life Coach in Pretoria, Gauteng.

Her practice is often on site at corporates, but she also works from her home, a visual haven for mind, body and soul, called Bharosa, situated in Leeuwfontein.

An avid pet lover, mom to two Italian Greyhounds, a Whippet and a family of cats.

She is known for her logical, fun, and creative approach in her Coaching, Counselling/Psychotherapy and Training workshops. She believes in a tailored approach. Everyone has a unique experience with unique needs, so for an exclusive approach and innovative solutions to life’s issues and ills…a chat with her may do

You the world of good.

Expect a creative approach, solid logic, and sound wisdom from Frida, often referred to as “The Happy Lady”!