This is a topic very close to my heart. I see so many clients who battle with forgiveness. And it isn’t an easy thing to do. However, when we can, it unlocks so much freedom and self empowerment inside us. One of my favourite sayings is “Not forgiving someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die”. Forgiveness of ourselves and of others releases us from the past. I know that when we are stuck, it usually means there is some more forgiving to be done.
If you’re unforgiving, you might:
- Bring anger and bitterness into every relationship and new experience
- Become so wrapped up in the wrong that you can’t enjoy the present
- Become depressed or anxious
- Feel that your life lacks meaning or purpose, or that you’re at odds with your spiritual beliefs
- Lose valuable and enriching connectedness with others
Forgiveness is not something that happens overnight. It is a commitment to a personalised process of change. To move from suffering to forgiveness, you might:
- Recognize the value of forgiveness and how it can improve your life
- Identify what needs healing and who needs to be forgiven and for what
- Consider joining a support group or seeing a counsellor
- Acknowledge your emotions about the harm done to you and how they affect your behaviour, and work to release them
- Choose to forgive the person who’s offended you
- Move away from your role as victim and release the control and power the offending person and situation has had in your life
For me – the key to forgiveness is compassion. Both forgiveness and compassion require that we practice some level of self-acceptance; in order to be forgiving or able to show compassion to others, we have to be able to provide ourselves with the same thing. This, in its very essence, requires patience and dedication. Changing one’s worldview is tough, and not something most of us do without some element of resistance.
To forgive, we must be ready to let go of our anger and resentment toward someone or something. It doesn’t mean that we are justifying their behaviour; instead, by being compassionate, we are making space for others to have their experiences without attaching our reactions to them.
How do we forgive:
1) Get mad, feel hurt and grieve
When someone hurts you, grief and anger are natural and healthy responses. So is self-pity! And there’s no set time for how long it takes to work through and process the hurt. Forgiveness is allowing negative feelings of outrage and grief to come in, and then letting them go because you’re now at peace with your life.
2) Ask yourself whether your anger is constructive or destructive
Constructive anger solves a problem in the moment by galvanizing you so that you respond appropriately to a threat. Destructive anger is repetitive and has no positive result. The person you’re angry at isn’t changing, and you’re not growing. When anger becomes a habit rather than a way of processing, or when you hold on to it for a really long time, it turns out to be destructive both to your physical well-being and to the people around you.
3) Don’t worry—you aren’t saying the offense was OK
One of the biggest misconceptions about forgiveness, is that it means you’re condoning the offender’s behaviour. In fact, forgiveness means that you don’t condone it. You know it’s wrong or inappropriate, but you choose to cleanse your heart. You don’t make excuses for the behaviour. You just accept it and make peace. That’s very different.
And what if the person you’re forgiving doesn’t change?
Getting another person to change his or her actions, behaviour or words isn’t the point of forgiveness. Think of forgiveness more about how it can change your life — by bringing you peace, happiness, and emotional and spiritual healing. Forgiveness can take away the power the other person continues to wield in your life.
4) Practice empathy
Try seeing the situation from the other person’s point of view. Ask yourself why he or she would behave in such a way. Perhaps you would have reacted similarly if you faced the same situation. Learn as much as you can about the person you want to forgive This isn’t always easy – or even possible. Take a verbally abusive parent, for example. Ask them (if possible) how they were brought up. Were they themselves victims of abuse? What happened to them in their childhood to make them into the person they are today.
Reflect on times you’ve hurt others and on those who’ve forgiven you.
Write in a journal, or talk with a person you’ve found to be wise and compassionate, such as a spiritual teacher, a mental health provider, or an impartial loved one or friend.
Be aware that forgiveness is a process, and even small hurts may need to be revisited and forgiven over and over again.
5) Set boundaries
When you’ve been hurt by someone who is still in your life, some gentle boundary setting may be in order. Learn how to simply say, ‘What you just did is not OK.’”
6) Recognize that you’re telling a story that can be changed
So if you’ve been telling yourself a story that five years ago, your friend didn’t invite you to her wedding, and it was a terrible offense that you’re still angry over, consider that perhaps the two of you were in a rough patch, and she may have made a mistake, but she did the best she could.
Ask yourself, what the experience taught you. So often, these experiences are very valuable life lessons, and make us stronger, more resilient and into the person we chose to become before we incarnated.
7) Make yourself the hero
Attributing your present distress to something that happened in the past is a way of making yourself a victim. For example: “If I say, ‘The reason I’m unhappy now is that my wife left me three years ago,’ that’s creating victimhood.” A more truthful statement, would be something like, ‘The reason I’m unhappy now is that my wife left me; I didn’t have adequate resources for dealing with it, and in the years since I haven’t figured out how to make peace with that.’
When you tell yourself, ‘The only one who is going to rescue me is me,’ that creates a kind of heroic efficacy that says, ‘I have to solve this problem. I have to figure out how to be OK and be happy in a life that includes the painful end of a marriage,’” When you can do that, you gain a sense of your own resilience. Instead of being limited or afraid, you get a sense of, ‘I know I can cope with difficulty.’ That’s probably the biggest personal benefit.
8) What if YOU’RE the one who needs forgiveness?
The first step is to honestly assess and acknowledge the wrongs you’ve done and how they have affected others. Avoid judging yourself too harshly.
If you’re truly sorry for something you’ve said or done, consider admitting it to those you’ve harmed. Speak of your sincere sorrow or regret, and ask for forgiveness — without making excuses.
Remember, however, you can’t force someone to forgive you. Others need to move to forgiveness in their own time. Whatever happens, commit to treating others with compassion, empathy and respect.
Angela Whitehouse is a holistic practitioner and teacher. She runs an Holistic Healing and training Centre in Blairgowrie, Johannesburg. Her sessions and courses include Reiki, Colour Therapy, Crystal Healing, Tarot, Access Bars, Spiritual, Psychic and Mediumship development. She has been practicing for 9 years and teaching for 4.
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Author: Spirit Connection
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