Fractured Fairytale

The fourth of July was coming, and I did not want to be home. It’s already horrible on the 4th with explosions coming from every direction. Add a pandemic; people want to blow things up.

A room opened up last minute on the Oregon Coast, my favourite place to be. I drove to the coast to start my vacation on the first of July. After I checked in and unpacked, my soul began to crack wide open.

Apparently, I’ve been pent up being in the house with my daughter’s dad, knowing we are done. I don’t know where I’m going. That clarity hasn’t come. It came crashing in after I unpacked.

I have to move out of my house. I cannot stay here any longer. My light doesn’t shine here. Tears of joy began to flow, knowing I was gone and how good it would feel.

From allowing myself to feel stuck in the house for so long, I experienced a release of energy and emotions; all kinds of feelings rushed to the surface. I allowed myself to cry and let go of anything that wanted to surface. It was a cleansing experience, one I didn’t realize I needed until I got away from the house.

The second of July – upon waking, I knew I would spend the day thinking about him. I put his picture on my lock screen. Every time I even bumped my phone, his beautiful face appeared before me. Every time it did, I kissed my phone.

Everything about our meeting was a miracle. I was done with relationships. I was starting my new life alone and planned on keeping it that way. When I met him, and the connection unfolded quickly, I couldn’t imagine a life without him. We have done this dance many times before; we have been together for centuries. The term Soul Mate doesn’t begin to explain the intensity of the connection. I didn’t know love would be something I could feel with every cell in my body. Our relationship was a fairy tale.

I listened to our song playlist we’d created over the eight weeks we’d been together. I sang, I danced, and I smiled throughout the day as thoughts of us together swirled through my head. We had one of the best conversations ever while I was sitting on the beach. I saw myself with him everywhere. I couldn’t wait until he was healthy enough to travel so we could finally be together.

By the end of the day, I knew I would immediately quit my job and hit the road. I was heading East. I was going to join my man.

The third of July – This day was not at all about him. I changed the lock screen on my phone to the beautiful sunset photo I took the night before.

Today I was a teacher. I had conversations with many of my friends who are on this journey with me.

Today, I saw myself and my future, and I’m alone. My book is out; many people want to talk about my story. It all felt perfect. This is what a world without him looks like.

We texted a little back and forth. He was hurting and couldn’t breathe well.

The fourth of July – Somewhere in the night, he went to the hospital. It was such a struggle for him to breathe; I was glad. He needed time to recover. He was suffering.

Today was all about me and just “being.” I was drawn to my favourite spot on the beach where I spent the entire day writing; so much comes through me when I’m on the ocean. Today was a good day. I wasn’t lost in love or looking at my future. I was just thoroughly enjoying my last full day on the ocean and being present.

The sixth of July – No word from him. I was guided to send this text:

I had the most amazing dream. I met this guy in Sedona, and he had to leave. I didn’t know why we met; after getting his email about being ill, I knew I was there to help him. Then song lyrics came into my head to tell me, no, it is much deeper. In just under eight weeks, I grew so attached to this man and the promise of a life madly in love. I got to feel what ultimate love feels like – and it is the best feeling I’ve ever experienced. I started listening to music again. I started to fully live again, even though I wasn’t with this beautiful soul. In his world, I didn’t even exist. No one knew about me. I was a walk-in; someone with the ability to change his mind to decide to live. He is at that place now where he either did or didn’t, and I may never know. I know he was real for a minute because I have pictures and recordings. I know the potential we all have for this great love. I guess this is the story I leave with. I send this final message to a phone that will no longer operate on what would have been our two-month anniversary, the thirteenth of July. I can’t hold on to dreams or desires, but if this man ever came knocking on my door, he would meet open arms and a warm, loving heart, ready to receive him. Blessings, sweet soul, wherever you are.

When I heard his familiar ring tone, my heart skipped a beat, though I knew it wouldn’t be him on the other end. His daughter heard when the text message came through; she called to let me know he is on life support.

I’ve deployed my army of healers and angels to help him. If he wants, he can heal his body right now as it rests.

The universe gave me a day to experience how perfect life is with this beautiful soul, as well as a day without him. They are both extraordinary and full lives. In either version, my book will be out, and I will be sharing my story. However, after experiencing how it feels to be loved by a force so powerful, for me, there is only one option. I am still living the fairy tale, but for now, it’s fractured.

After feeling what true love feels like, I want it for both of us for the rest of our lives. We are unstoppable. Come back to me.

Abut Cari

If I hadn’t lived the many phases of my life, I wouldn’t believe it could all happen in one lifetime. All I imagined after giving up my victim card was being a writer/speaker for Hay House. I was the queen of self-help and I was ready to change lives. Fast forward a decade or two and now, after re-membering who we are and why we are here, self-help was a lifetime ago.

Following my guidance has brought me to a place I couldn’t ever imagine! I have mastered living in the present moment. I have become a Zen-like creature. Once you feel this good in every moment, you can never go back. When you realize we create our own reality, why would we make any part of this thing we call life miserable?

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