'Til Death Do Us Part | Spirit Connection

After the death of a spouse – how soon is too soon to move on. Is it best to jump straight into something new and when is the right time to do so?

The death of a spouse or loved one is a very traumatic experience for anyone whether it was expected due to illness or came about suddenly. The healing process is different for each of us as we go through our grieving process.

How right/wrong/dangerous/advisable is it to get involved in a new relationship soon after a spouse’s death?

There is no right / wrong approach when it comes to moving on after a relationship has ended due to the death of a spouse. However the risk of getting involved too soon after the death of a spouse by not allowing yourself to grieve and heal, can cause potential issues later on down the line.

Before you move onto your next relationship, you need to deal with the emotions from your past relationship and gain closure otherwise you will carry the baggage into your next relationship.

How soon is too soon (not necessarily in months/years, but in emotional terms)?

Some people seem to move on quicker than others. There is no exact ‘one-size-all’ winning formula that works for everyone. There is a general rule of thumb that for every month you have been together you need to take one week to reconnect with yourself and for every year you have been together, you take one month to reconnect with yourself. However, what is important, is that you find the closure you need for you to be able to move on and forge healthy relationships with the next person that comes into your life. What this means in emotional terms is: when you are comfortable with yourself and your own company and you don’t feel the need to have someone around for companionship but rather because you enjoy their company and want to be with them because you are complete and not looking for someone to complete you. When you are not constantly thinking and speaking about your late husband/wife, all the time and you’re not wishing they would come back but rather have accepted that they are no longer a part of your life and you’re ready to start putting yourself out there and start socialising again.

Why do some people jump into a relationship too soon? Is it an emotional band-aid?

Some people don’t like being alone and feeling lonely, so they tend to seek out a relationship to fill that void. If they have not given themselves time to grieve and come to terms with their loss, they could well be entering into a relationship on the rebound. This can be unfair to both them and the other person they are getting involved with as they are bringing unfinished business and emotional baggage into their new relationship. It’s also a good thing to take some time out for yourself and reconnect with who you are as an individual.

It seems like men often move on quicker than women. How so?

There is a general perception out there that men move on quicker than women, but that is not necessarily true. Men also feel pain and heartache, they just process their emotions differently to women. Majority of men ‘act’ out their emotions in a physical way such as participating in sport or outdoor hobbies and interests, going out with their guy friends, or throwing themselves into work.

Sometimes the new relationship works out after all, despite onlookers’ worries. In which cases can it work?

A person can recover from a traumatic event when they are able to process their emotions, establish healthy boundaries, are able to communicate their needs, are not afraid to be on their own and are not constantly comparing their new partner to their previous partner.

When are you doing it for the wrong reasons, and when is it good for you? And how do you know the difference?

Getting into a relationship for all the wrong reasons is unsustainable and will eventually hit a bump in the road. When we don’t get the closure we need, it can keep us stuck in the past and some of the signs to look out for are: unexpressed anger (pain), emotional turmoil and resentment. Or if you/your partner are using unhealthy avoidance/coping mechanisms such as alcohol, substance abuse etc

However what are some of the signs to look out for that makes it feel right? You should be able to list at least 5 things about this person that you love (like) about them ranging from their quirky traits, personality, physical appearance, to things they do and how they make you feel. If you can only list a few things (e.g. I enjoy being with this person) then you may want to question whether it really is love or more companionship, or the fear of being alone or finances that is driving your decision.

For the person getting involved with the widow/er…how do you know if they’re ready for a relationship? What are some red flags to watch out for?

Some of the tell-tale signs to look out for when getting into a relationship with someone new is that could be potential red flags are:

There is very little engagement, communication or connection between you
The relationship is one sided – your emotional needs are not being taken into account.
You/your relationship is not a priority.
There is abuse (verbal, mental, physical, sexual, financial) – any form of abuse is unacceptable. Ever.
You’re constantly thinking and talking about your Ex
You/your partner are using unhealthy avoidance/coping mechanisms such as alcohol, substance abuse, stonewalling, silent treatment etc
You/your partner is putting all the blame and responsibility on the other person and that they are the one with problems.
Your boundaries are not being respected or are constantly being compromised.
Are the emotionally open to you and being in a relationship

Can you help them be ready sooner, and how?

Before getting in to a new relationship, it’s important to be very clear on what it is that you are looking for in a life partner. Go deeper than just the superficial stuff such as looks. Think about aspects such as their values, culture, beliefs, spirituality, family values, influences such as friends, hobbies and interests, career aspirations, relationship deal breakers/non-negotiables, money management and expectations. It’s important to have these serious and honest discussions right up-front in the early stages of the relationship to manage expectations before you get too far down the line and realise this is not the relationship for you.

Lastly, if you are struggling to move on from the loss of a partner or to have a healthy relationships, reach out to a professional to help you process and work through where you are at and what you are experiencing.

Paula Quinsee: Relationship Expert specializing in creating healthy relationships at home and in the workplace to create a more human connected world and positively impact people’s lives. Paula is also a passionate advocate for mental health and against Gender Based Violence, is a Tedx and international speaker and author of two self-help guides: Embracing Conflict and Embracing No. More info: https://paulaquinsee.com/