Walk Through

You know me inside and out,
you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared
before I’d even lived one day.

Psalm 139:15 to 18

Earlier this year, I had a dream that I was standing on high. Like standing on a mountain and looking through a telescope. I saw a package in the wilderness. I did not know what is in the package, but I knew that I wanted it. I hurried to the wilderness. However, when I came to the end of the road, where the wilderness begins, I became afraid. I could not cross over, despite my longing to do so. I woke up and immediately prayed for the strength to go through this wilderness. I did this because even though, I did not know what was in the package, I knew that it was something that I wanted.

I believe this dream to be a prophecy about what was going to happen. I also think it has to do with the reason I have remained single even though I desire to be in a relationship.

I have been divorced for seven years and have not ventured into a meaningful relationship since then. I have dated. Some of these relationships seemed promising, but nothing would come of them.

As soon as I have a crush or develop feelings for someone, an unhealthy pattern kicks in, where I find myself at my most vulnerable and the fear of being hurt leads to the beginning of the madness and insanity. The turmoil of emotions spiraling out of control within me, is unbearable. Recently, I developed a crush. This was the catalyst for my vulnerability to surface along with all the unhealthy patterns and emotions to torment me.

The good news is that I have my Comforter, Counselor, Advocate and ever-present friend, the Holy Spirit that I run to in my times of trouble. I prayed and pleaded with him to take away these emotions, but he responded that I must “walk- through” this.

This is the nature of the God I serve. He loves me too much to allow me to stay in a place of dysfunction, chaos, and pain. Despite my protest, my journey to healing began with a question to the Holy Spirit. Why am I experiencing this amount of turmoil in response to a crush. Why does this always happen? What is going on? I asked.

I knew I had an abandonment wound. But thought I dealt with it in the many therapy sessions whilst recovering from a hectic divorce. Maybe I only touched the surface of it?

Now that I have been on a longer journey with Christ and more mature, I am in a better position to deal with the root causes of the wound. I prayed for revelation because I knew I would not willingly want to revisit these painful places. I would therefore have hidden these things from myself. I prayed through Psalm 139, as the God who made me and knows me better than I knew myself.

I allowed the Holy Spirit to lead me through the areas I did not want to venture into. I became still and started going back in time to my childhood. The first emotion that came was rejection and abandonment. The death of a parent at an early age will cause this. I spoke to my inner child to comfort and reassure her. Although these emotions of rejection and abandonment is not true, they were present and real. I prayed about it and spoke Joshua 1:5 over me repeatedly. God will never leave me nor forsake me. I am accepted and chosen by God…

I fell asleep and woke up in early hours of the morning. Whilst half asleep, I prayed about these emotions again. I started feeling overwhelmed with the love of God. It was as if, the love of God was poured into me and filled me up so much that the emotion of rejection was pushed out. I felt comforted, consoled, and restored to wholeness. This is part of my DNA now.

There is more to this trauma. I also saw the child in me. She experienced abuse in many forms. Her emotional needs were not met. Chaos was her normal. Her parents loved her but was flawed and equally wounded. They carried over their wounds to her. My inner child was therefore extremely insecure with a hyped-up feeling being unsafe that constantly haunts her. Hyper-alert and vigilant about her surroundings and analyzing potential threats. Never resting.

This explains why I have a need to be constantly reassured and validated. I can see how it has unfolded in my present life. Working constantly, posting on social media, and checking the likes and comments.

People said I was busy, and I thought it had to do with me following my passion and letting the will of God unfold in my life. That may be true. However, beneath the surface was also an anxious, insecure, abandoned and hurt little girl constantly seeking approval, reassurance, and validation. If I did not receive these validations, I would believe what was said to me was or is true. One of which was that I will not amount to anything. I would therefore constantly prove that I have amounted to something.

This is exhausting. I am depleted and exhausted.

Because of these wounds, I have achieved much. I wonder if I would have achieved without these wounds and the need to constantly prove myself propelling me.

God does work all things out for my good (Romans 8:28).

This is what my dream prophesied, and it is reinforced by the fact that am living in the place where the wound or strongholds were created.

The journey of healing begins as I walk-through this season, acknowledging these emotions and reassuring my inner child. I will do this by growing closer to the source of my healing and become secure in who He says I am.

Eventually feelings will go and disappear. I will then forget the former things and not dwell on the past (Isaiah 43:18) and I will stand on the word that God has given me:

“I am doing a new thing, now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.

(Isaiah 43:19)

Amen.

Zelna Jansen is a board member of BE THE CHANGE.

BE THE CHANGE is community organization that aims to inspire people to be the change they want to see in their communities and have people look inward to see what they can do to make a difference or be that change agent in their communities.

Zelna Jansen is also the Executive Director of Zelna Jansen Consultancy, a lobbying and advocacy firm with the aim of bringing people together to find solutions and helping people to have a more effective conversations with their law- and policymakers.

She is an admitted attorney of the High Court, with an especially keen interest in public policy, trade law and constitutional law. She has a Bachelor of Arts (prelaw), a Bachelor of Laws and a Master of Commerce degree specializing in trade law and policy. Through her volunteerism in leading roles in several organizations she actively engages the community and social spirit necessary to uplift many in South Africa today. This includes writing opinion editorials, news and radio interviews and educational workshops with community organizations and schools on how to conduct advocacy on law and policy reform.