Why do we allow ourselves to be Manipulated?

Everything in life is a negotiation. We negotiate for the space that we occupy on the road with other drivers. We negotiate with our parents as children – bedtime, curfew, study time, outdoor activity time, time with our friends. We negotiate with our partners who gets to do what, when, how – who shoulders what portion of the responsibility for ensuring the smooth running of the home. We negotiate our salaries within our jobs. We even negotiate with ourselves – what are we going to eat, what do we feel like doing, are we willing to take this risk, do we want to be manipulated into doing something that we don’t really want to? And this is where my question comes – why do we allow ourselves to be manipulated?

Is it because we are ego driven? Being manipulated into doing something that we don’t really want to do, but believe we are the only one that can do it (within that partnership) or we can do it better, faster, more efficiently, attain a better result. The best option that most of us apply is “if I don’t do it, it won’t get done’. And is that really true? Have we ever tested the theory? Do we trust ourselves enough to do so? Are we able to let go of the need to control, for just that one short space in time, to test the theory? I say, probably not.

The word manipulation has quite a negative connotation. The description of the word in the dictionary is not very clear – a simple google search brings this up : Manipulation is the exercise of harmful influence over others. People who manipulate others attack their mental and emotional sides to get what they want. … But manipulation is defined as any attempt to sway someone’s emotions to get them to act or feel a certain way. I would agree with the second option : manipulation is any attempt to sway someone’s emotions to get them to act or feel a certain way.

And so we have to ask ourselves why it is that we allow ourselves to be manipulated, not from the perspective of seeing it as a single negative attack on us, guilting us to doing something, but from the perspective of what our reaction is to the manipulating behaviour that allows us to give in. So let’s rather use the word persuade instead of manipulate and already the action has a more positive spin to it – the tone is different, but the intent is exactly the same.

We are persuaded by others for so many reasons. We love someone so we allow them to persuade us to their point of view, or we agree to be persuaded to do something for them that benefits them. We are mature enough to see that their point of view makes sense and so we do what they want. Remember though that all through these interactions, we are doing the same and we hope too that the other person feels the same as us. Life really is a two-way street. But we need to bear in mind that manipulation or persuasion can and does also have that negative aspect. And sometimes there is an aggressive or maligning angle in that particular negotiation. An example here of where I gave in to manipulation recently and what prompted this article : I quoted a client in my videography business for a job. Her response to me without going into full detail, was actually that she was defining my worth – decided I was worth less than what I originally quoted. There wasn’t a huge discrepancy and of course I could see that this response from her, was merely to make herself feel like she is the one in control, and so I consented to adjust my price accordingly. In essence, I shouldn’t have, but I do also understand human behaviour and so in my ‘giving in’ to her, I know it is just to enable her to stroke her ego. Yes, I am compromised somewhat, but not that it will hurt me and in thinking through all the emails that went back and forth, I have to feel compassion towards her that she would go to the length that she did, to hide her insecurities. It’s a little about knowing when to pick your battles I suppose.

So yes, we do allow ourselves to manipulated and persuaded in all aspects of our life. The one thing to constantly remain aware of is that in allowing ourselves to be manipulated, it should never be to our detriment. We should never have to compromise our values, we should never have to compromise our standards and we should never be left feeling like a truck has just run us over! So become aware of how every interaction with each other is a negotiation and learn to play fair, learn to understand where the other person is coming from and probably more importantly, know your worth, and know when to say yes and when to say no.