Interpersonal Interaction and Relationships

Taken from the book Reaching Out by David W Johnson

Your interpersonal skills are connections to other people. They are the keys to acting appropriately, according to the specific person and situation. There are several ways to describe the interaction among individuals. One way is to focus on the number of people involved. There can be dyadic interaction, small-group interaction, large-group interaction, and so forth. A second way is to focus on the formality of the situation. Some situations require a high degree of formality among individuals and some situations are quite informal. In a formal situation such as a funeral, for example, behaviour is governed by rules (be solemn, do not laugh or joke) and rituals (express your condolences) that are almost habit patterns so that upset or nervous people can act appropriately. The interaction in informal situations tends to be less ritualized, rule governed and habitualised.

A third way to describe the interaction among individuals is to focus on the quality of the relationship (Gergen, 1991). Relationships can be classified on a continuum of personal to impersonal. The difference may be seen on five dimensions (Table one). The more personal a relationship, the more the relationship is integrated into your identity, the more open you are with the other person, the more distinctive the relationship, the more irreplaceable the relationship, and the more intrinsic the motivation to maintain the relationship. While some relationships are very personal and others have no personal elements at all, most relationships are not entirely personal or entirely impersonal. Rather, they may be placed on a continuum somewhere between these two positions. There is often some impersonality in a personal relationship and a personal element in even the most impersonal situation. In the former, when you are busy you may keep a conversation with a friend on an impersonal level. In the latter, a bus driver may have a unique sense of humor. A customer’s nice-ness may cheer up your day.

Another way to describe the quality of relationships come from Martin Buber, one of the most influential theologians of the twentieth century. He makes distinction between relationships based on an “I, it” premise. (“I” am a person and “it” {the other person} is an object to fulfill my needs) and relationships on an “I, thou” premise. (“I” am a person’ “thou”{the other person} is a unique individual who changes from moment to moment.)

Your interpersonal skills are the most important things in your life. Your career success, the quality of your family life, the depth of your friendships and everything else that is important are directly affected by how able you are to build and maintain appropriate relationships.

Table 1

Characteristic	Personal	Impersonal
Integration into identity	The continuation of the relationship affects your identity, psychological well-being, and emotional happiness	Whether the relationship continues or ends has little impact on your identity, psychological well-being and feelings
Openness	Intellectual sharing of ideas and goals, emotional exchange of feelings and reactions, and physical affection such as hugs	Reveal very little about yourself intellectually and emotionally and keep physical contact minimal
Distinctive	Interaction based on social rules and roles specific to the relationship (teasing, references to personal life, spontaneous jokes may occur)	Interaction is ritualistic and determined by social rules (use good manners, be honest and fair) and social roles (be polite to elders and persons in authority)
Replaceability	Cannot be replaced. No matter how many other relationships in your life, none will be quite like this one	Easily replaced. Another customer will replace the current one and another bus driver will replace the current one
Motivation to continue relationship	Intrinsic. The relationship is of value in and of itself	Extrinsic. The relationship is a means to an end. You relate to an instructor to get a degree and you relate to a customer to make a sale.