This story starts with us being pregnant with identical twin girls in January 2019 and we found ourselves on the gynaecologists table in complete shock… one baby dead, one alive. There was no heartbeat for Storm yet there was a heartbeat for her sister Logan. This is where the contrast of life and death, excruciating pain and holding onto hope slapped us in our faces. What do you do with an alive baby and a dead baby inside of you?
The next day we went in for our cesarian, Storm, the still born was born first and I was asked by the nurses if I wanted to see her, of course I said yes! And to this day I wish I had known that I had the option of seeing my baby after giving birth, where someone like a bereavement Doula would stay with my baby, make her look beautiful and bring her to us so that we could spend time with her and say goodbye.
Logan was born next, a true fighter and the most perfect tiny baby, she weighed 630g. I fought off the epidural so that I could walk to my baby in NICU. There I stood over a box, looking at this baby covered in tubes and plasters. I dragged myself back to my bed and then for hours I refused to go back to see Logan, why should I bond with her? She’s just going leave us anyway! I cried, I smiled, I screamed, I loved, I was angry. I was fighting all the emotions at once, grieving our Storm and trying to trust for our Logan.
The NICU environment is cold and clinical, the nurses are there to do their job and that is to try save tiny lives, there is no time for you as the mom or for the dad. We had to navigate this journey on our own, the toughest journey we may ever go through. The parents have no space for anything other than being in each moment, they need space, peace, respect and a lot of patience from everyone around them at this time.
Finally, I told myself to stop being so stupid and to go bond with my baby girl, she may even survive! As I stood over that box again, I touched her perfect tiny feet and in that moment I finally understood unconditional love. I thought to myself, if this perfect baby was made by me, how could I not be perfect?
Two and a half days later, Logan passed in our arms and we got to say goodbye to her, we told her we loved her and we are so proud of her no matter what she chose to do.
I went straight back to work the day after getting home from the hospital. The next month was hell for me, the grief was unbearable, chaotic, hit me like waves of the ocean. Some days I could not bear it, so I switched off my emotions and promised myself I would come back to that emotion when I had more space and could deal with it and I would feel it and let flow through me. Feeling and moving through the emotion is the only way through grief.
We had a memorial for our girls and planted a tree in their honour in our garden. A few months later I stood by their tree which now consisted of only dead, dry branches, yes we killed their tree… I realised that our babies are so much bigger than just a tree. I felt their phenomenal souls all around me, pushing me to become so much more. I started to create a much bigger legacy for my angel babies and I now support other parents who have experienced baby loss, go from loss, through grief to creating a legacy for their own legendary babies.
I am so honoured that the twins chose us to be their parents for their short little lives. I am grateful to have been able to help them fulfil their journeys on earth as they are helping me fulfil mine!
Me before the twins and me after the twins is a completely different person. I have transformed from a happy carefree caterpillar through the pain of a cocoon into a more powerful and beautiful butterfly pushing open her wings.
So what is my point?
Its ok to feel all you are feeling AND you can go through your loss and grief to create a beautiful legacy for your angel baby. You can take this experience AND make it into something beautiful AND you don’t need to “get over” anything!
AND you don’t need to do this on your own.
I am 1 in 4 and this is my story of loss to legacy and I am here to support anyone who has experienced baby loss. If you need support or know someone who could really use someone who understands them please join our free private facebook group and sign up to receive my free PDF, My inner truths through loss to legacy @ www.legendarybaba.com
All this because you died! I love you my baby girls. I love you all. Thank you for reading our story and currently we are eighteen weeks pregnant with one healthy baby boy this time!