A Sane Person Can’t Do This

I have one friend who calls to check in on me often. She knows my life is beyond anything “normal” people can do. She helps me remember that I am not crazy. I am doing something a sane person can’t do – but I have no choice.

Today is a challenge. I tried to go back to bed multiple times to delay the start of the day, but the dog would have nothing of it. After she ate and received all her medication, I knew I had to take her somewhere away from the place where we live. I washed my face and got dressed. She was staring at me the entire time, reminding me that we should be walking by now. She can be demanding at times. It must be an old age thing.

Looking at maps of the area, I wanted to find a public park. I wanted a place like we had in Washington, where people and dogs of all ages gathered. The ocean is not the place. Marleigh loves large groups of people with kids and dogs where she gets a lot of attention. People flock toward her when we are out. I know how much she misses this in our new Oregon situation.

We went to Big Creek Park, which is near our house. We went once before, but it was a mud fest. This time it was dry, but no one was there. The only people were homeless. One man was loudly talking to himself and doing push-ups. Another was screaming in the honey bucket.

Then I thought I would try the farmer’s market. I found an accessible parking space where I could use the ramp. This is the only way she gets out of the car now. It is a process, but now we can go places.

The market was okay. Plenty of people and dogs. It’s just not like she is used to. It wasn’t about her at all. Her mojo isn’t working here, apparently.

After that, I drove through to get a small coffee, and she got a treat and the love she was missing.

Now I knew she would nap for a bit; I wanted to be guided to do something to move forward. I have to have a forward motion something happening in my life. I decided to try to stop my front bike brakes from screaming. I found out in my test drive yesterday in my community that they are extremely loud. I was glad I didn’t have any hills to navigate. I tried rubbing alcohol, then sandpaper. The paper seemed to help a little.

I rode the bike around the little area again to do something. I have no idea where I can ride trails to escape this place. I drive on 101. No way would I ride a bike there.

I grabbed a golf club and went to my ocean-view backyard to see what swinging felt like. Of course, the neighbor women stuck at home with covid were on their deck just feet away. I know I’m always in the view of the neighbors on the east side. My backyard is their view of the ocean. I basically have zero privacy.

I figured since the dog was still snoozing, I’d grab a few clubs and go to the golf course ½ mile north.

Unlike the driving ranges I am used to with the option of T’s on rubber mats, this was grass only, and only irons allowed. Four bucks for thirty balls. With some pretty nasty shots, I was able to hit about thirty-five. They were that close.

I went back to the house and made a taco salad. Then I didn’t want it. I put a lid on it, knowing I would throw it out later today. The dog was back up, so I gave her muscle relaxers to her. Now, what do I do?

I decided to do something forward moving, so I started packing up my paint that hadn’t been mixed yet. Although my house isn’t on the market, if someone makes a great offer on my place, I’m out. I don’t want to have to throw it all together in a hurry. This is the good stuff that matters. Everything else can be thrown together. I packed three good-sized boxes when the dog started acting nervous.

When Marleigh sees a suitcase or boxes piling up, she knows something in her world is about to rock. I know it’s not necessarily a bad thing; she just gets nervous, probably thinking I think she’s still a puppy. I take great care of her needs.

This is why I am in the situation I am in. If we are doing this shut-in thing for a long time, I must be in an environment that fills my soul. This place is just a holding space for me and my stuff. It was my escape route, but it could never be my home. We’ve already been here almost 160 days.

Because I can’t do this monk in a cave anymore, I am manifesting a new home; one that I can drive anywhere so we can get our life back. I am getting an RV. We no longer have to look out the windows and wonder what to do with ourselves. Now, we will drive, get out, and be in an entirely new world. We will always be in nature. As long as I have a ramp, the dog can go anywhere.

I have been in this space where I have to be ultimately a master of presence for six months now. I can’t imagine what it would be like to plan a trip or a weekend away. My dog can’t go far in a car, so we can’t go anywhere. You can’t leave any senior animal with someone they don’t love. I’ve seen it too often where the family leaves with a caretaker, and the animal dies as they think they have left them; it’s not worth hanging on. I would never do this to my dog. I’m here all the way.

I have had to reach deep down for gratitude some days. At times, it’s been a challenge. I’m getting better at staying present and knowing this is exactly where I am supposed to be. If I start to slide, I can get back much quicker now. I know there is no such thing as time, so my life is and can be on hold as we live out the rest of Marleigh’s. In the process, I am learning masterful and intense presence. If I slip out of presence for a microsecond and let a memory or desire come through, it could be a disaster.

This practice will be magnificent to not be affected by the world’s noise when I come out of my hermitage. I won’t be able to allow the noise to sink in – it would destroy me. I have to be surrounded by a massive bubble of protection, or I would be swallowed up. I have absolutely no idea what my future will be or when it will be able to start. I know that when my dog transitions to non-physical, I am off to whatever it is. I’m always the last to know but the first to go.

Cari

Cari Palmer Bio:
If I hadn’t lived the many phases of my life, I wouldn’t believe it could all happen in one lifetime. All I imagined after giving up my victim card was being a writer/speaker for Hay House. I was the queen of self-help and I was ready to change lives. Fast forward a decade or two and now, after re-membering who we are and why we are here, self-help was a lifetime ago.

Following my guidance has brought me to a place I couldn’t ever imagine! I have mastered living in the present moment. I have become a Zen-like creature. Once you feel this good in every moment, you can never go back. When you realize we create our own reality, why would we make any part of this thing we call life miserable?

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